This beat is…tectonic
21/04/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
We think we have it pretty easy in the year 2008. Back in ye bad olde days, dancing was a highly complex affair, involving various twirls, spins, and trying desperately to avoid stamping on your partner's toes. Fast forward a hundred years or so and anything can pass for 'dancing' – from shuffling aimlessly side to side whilst nodding your head, to simply pogo-ing up and down on the spot whilst whooping enthusiastically. There are no rules, no one has tried to invent any set steps, and even the worst dancer in the world can fade into the background in the dark confines of your average nightclub. However, somewhere along the line, some ker-azy French kids have decided to invent some new dance rules - 'le tectonic'. It's hard to describe exactly what this involves, but if we're totally honest, it looks a bit like how Napoleon Dynamite would dance if you sprinkled speed on his cornflakes. Get practising, this is coming to a dancefloor near you soon…
Weird but wonderful...
31/03/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
Disco Dirt would like to apologise for the lack of words of wit or merry banter pouring forth from the column today. Hey, it was a big weekend. Sometimes you just have to step back and let nature speak for you...step forward, The Dramatic Lemur! Disco Dirt has watched this 10 times and still can't stop laughing (you need sound for maximum effect).
Frank Sinatra vs. Chas & Dave
17/03/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
Everyone loves a good fight. Whether it’s top trumps, celebrity death match, or simply Jordan vs. Jodie Marsh (sorry Jodie love, you ain’t got a hope in hell), it’s just human nature. Why else would one of the Top Ten Pub Conversations of All Time be the pointless yet highly illuminating sport of pitting random people / animals against each other and discussing in depth who would win. Ant vs. ladybird? Sven Vath vs. Richie Hawtin (our money’s on Sven – have you seen his guns?) The stranger the better. Forget bear vs. shark, we solved that one years ago, we’re thinking lemur vs. gerbil or praying mantis vs. lobster.
Two people who understand this way of thinking better than most are the fabulously twisted cabaret act Kitty La Roar and Nick of Time. Infamous for their unorthodox musical mash-ups, Kitty & Nick will be dropping in to AKA this Thursday to perform at Rant.
In honour of this occasion, we thought why not dissect some of their trademark musical mash-ups in a bear vs. shark style to see who’d win…
Fred Astaire vs. Meat Loaf
Now, as much as we like to back the underdog, let’s look at the facts here. Fred Astaire: was taught to dance by his sister, has been described as “debonair, poised and elegant”, played the clarinet. Meatloaf: weighs about 20 stone, was in the film ‘Fight Club’, writes songs entitled ‘Bat out of Hell’. To be honest, it’s probably better if Fred doesn’t even step in the ring. Sorry Fred.
Shaggy vs. Robbie
However evolved we are, we can’t claim to be immune to the theory of natural selection. The strongest of the species survive, the weakest fade away – harsh, but there you go. Hence, the smallest kid in the playground gets picked on and the strongest lion gets an entourage of lionesses. Virility has always been seen as a sign of strength, and that doesn’t look set to change any time soon. So step forward Shaggy, the self professed lyrical lover Mr Boombastic, who was “caught red handed creeping with the girl next door”, offers to “sexercise you to sleep” and writes songs with tasteful lyrics such as “all virgins put up your hand, yeah”. Then step forward Robbie Williams, muttering about angels, pain and waterfalls. We leave this one for you to make up your own mind…
Frank Sinatra vs. Radiohead
There may be safety in numbers, but even with the strength of the whole band combined we reckon Thom Yorke and his cronies would be no match for ol’ Frank. Miserable buggers never win fights, it’s just the law of the land - Frank would beat the lot hands down, with a tip of his hat and a cheeky wink. In his own words, “Don´t you know, little fool, you never can win.”
Shirley Bassey vs. The White Stripes
Rock ‘n’ roll grannies / grandads seem to be getting ever more prevalent these days – what with Jack Nicholson still marking up the notches on his bedpost and some of the original house music pioneers still wheeling themselves out of retirement for gigs, hearing aids switched up to max. The queen of the rock ‘n’ roll OAPs is, of course, Dame Shirley Bassey. Performing with the Propellerheads at 60 and headlining Glastonbury last year aged 70 in a pink Julien MacDonald dress? Try and mug this old lady at a bus stop at your peril. Sorry White Stripes – we do love ya, but in this instance you’ll have to step aside and give your elders the respect they’re due.
Hungry for more mash-ups? Rant feat. Kitty La Roar & Nick of Time, Rant DJs and Andy H is on Thursday 20th April in AKA. See full details here.
The Weird and Wonderful World of Lost Property
10/03/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
There are many strange and unexplained phenomena all around us in the universe today. Do aliens exist? Was there really a great city of Atlantis? Can you wear blue next to green? How are crop circles made? Who the hell actually buys DJ Sammy records? Ah my friend, sometimes truth really is stranger than fiction.
Here at the world of The End we have our own weird tale to tell, and it’s a tale of strange comings and goings, and goings and comings, in the night. So sit back and relax while we invite you into…THE WEIRD AND WONDERFUL WORLD OF LOST PROPERTY! (cue soundtrack to ‘Tales of the Unexpected’)
I mean, let’s not even go there with the amount of people who lose their entire handbag (contents: mobile phone, purse complete with credit cards, driving license, passport, iPod, house and car keys, makeup bag, perfume…) and then don’t even phone to check whether it’s been handed in (90% of the time it has by the way). Let’s not even waste time on those who leave a club wearing only one shoe, minus a bra (hey, we’ve all done that right ladies?) or with the wrong coat on. At 12 noon when you’re tumbling out of Jaded and putting on a cropped leather jacket it can be hard to remember that you were actually wearing a green full length parka on the way in 12 hours previously, and don’t even own a leather jacket. I’m not saying that I haven’t, on more than one occasion, reclaimed my own coat or top from the heap of lost property sitting on The End’s office couch after every weekend. No, this one’s for the proper freaks that go out clubbing with a frozen leg of lamb or a gimp mask in their handbag.
So here’s a short list of the ten weirdest unexplainable mystery objects to have remained, forever neglected and unclaimed, lying in The End’s lost property until we give them to Oxfam:
1. A large frozen leg of lamb (free range, in case Hugh Fearnley whats-his-name is reading)
2. A bowling ball (purple)
3. A full set of audited company accounts from a very prominent London restaurant
4. A man bag stuffed with condoms of every variety, flavoured, ribbed (for her pleasure) etc.
5. A gorilla suit, full size
6. All someone’s birthday presents, mostly still wrapped
7. A TV antenna
8. A full on gimp mask with a zippable mouth
9. A cricket bat
10. ‘How to Speak Italian in 6 Weeks’ DVD (just come to Clandestino and pull, duh).
Goldie and Friction's his and hers t shirts...
25/02/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
Flicking through our back issues of renowned drum & bass magazine Knowledge, it's difficult to find a cover star with even the beginnings of a smile playing on their lips. Drum & bass DJs' standard photograph pose is moody and brooding, in fact 'that drum & bass look' is so prevalent it's become something of a cliche. So it was a blessed relief when drum & bass bigwigs Goldie and Friction arrived at their Metalheadz and Shogun Audio back to back special with specially made t shirts. With tongue firmly in cheek, they donned these comedy gems...
We hate nightclubs?
18/02/2008
Posted by Disco Dirt
There’s no doubt about it - Disco Dirt loves clubbing. We have done since the first time our underage feet stepped uncertainly yet triumphantly over the holy nightclub threshold, emboldened by a fake ID and half a bottle of Tequila. Every clubbing experience is to be valued – from early ventures into your local Ritzy fuelled by alcopops, bad haircuts and the occasional fumble in a dark corner, to the first time you walk wide-eyed into a ‘proper’ club and have a realisation that THIS is what you were supposed to be doing all your life. Even when you’ve got a good 15 years of clubbing under your belt, and should technically be a hardened old cynic, there are always those moments that remind you why you do it. That feeling in your stomach when you’re planning a big night; when the DJ plays THAT tune; or when you’re sitting around with your mates at an afterparty and discussing how walking sticks made from glo-sticks would revolutionise the lives of thousands of pensioners. Disco Dirt loves it all. We even love the next day, when even though you feel like your brain has been put through a food processor and you’re starting to look a bit like Edward Scissorhands, you still have that feeling of satisfaction that only a good night out can bring.
However, Disco Dirt knows that clubbing is not for everyone. And in truth, we’re glad of it – you hardly want to bump into your Dad at Clandestino now, do you?! So we would like to pay homage to someone who puts their case against clubbing so eloquently, that however much we love it, we just can’t attempt to mount a counter argument. So Disco Dirt will (for once) keep quiet and let Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker take the floor to explain why he’d rather stay at home punching himself in the face than go clubbing - and perhaps secretly admit to ourselves that there may even be a modicum of truth in there somewhere…
Charlie Brooker lets rip on www.guardian.co.uk
